“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. Children are an heritage of the Lord (Psalms 127:3) Parent have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve on another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)
This week in my FAML 300 class we discussed family dynamics, power and hierarchy. After 24 years of successful marriage and all but one child grown, I still question if I have navigated raising the children right. I feel like there is always so much to learn and I am constantly wishing I would have known that when the kids were young. My husband and I made a pretty good team, but there are some things that I wish we had a chance to do again.
I loved Dr. Miller’s insight in his address given at BYU on March 28, 2008. He stated:
“In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.”
Do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed. As Dr. John Rosemond counseled: “Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English Language – No” (Dr. Miller)
My husband and I did fairly well in staying united in raising the kids, but if there was one thing, I wish we could do over again, it would be saying NO a little more often. We weren’t push overs but let’s just say the kids quickly figured out who to ask first depending on what it was that they wanted a yes answer to.
I think this is one reason why family councils are so important. Having Executive council with your spouse allows you the opportunity to really analyze and discuss what is going on in the family. It helps build your unity and partnership. Howard Hunter stated, “A man who holds the priesthood accepts his wife as a partner in the leadership of the home and family with full knowledge of and full participation in all decisions relating thereto” (Miller quoting Ensign, August 1992, p. 6) Counseling with your spouse frequently helps you set goals and learn desires. It keeps the family on track and the spirit in your home.
Even though husbands and wives are raised differently and may have different opinions on issues, when you hold a council meeting with your spouse you can each voice your differences. Councils operated where the husband and wife are working as equal partnerships and each “drawing upon the powers of heaven” (Elder Eyring p. 51) can harmonize their opinions and come to conclusions on how to effectively and cohesively run their family. Once children are of an age where they can have a voice in family councils, they should be included in a separate weekly council that involves everyone.
Now that we have entered into our final years of having children at home (the youngest will graduate from high school and then off to college this fall); I can’t help but feel there was a missed opportunity regarding family councils. The children are entering adulthood and the “parent-child hierarchy (will) dissolve.” (Miller) The need for family council will change as well. We will have fewer opportunities to have full family meetings. But I can see the importance in continuing to have executive meetings. While we may have missed the opportunity with our children there is still hope that we can establish meetings together and family council for big important decisions.
Photo credit: Depositphoto
Sources: The Family: A Proclamation to the World, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
- Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.
- M. Russell Ballard (1997) Counseling With Your Councils. “Chapter 2: General Councils in the Church”
- Henry B. Eyring, “That We May Be One” Ensign, May 1998, 66.
Life Lessons Learned 